The healing power of forgiveness
Why letting go benefits your brain and well-being
This week’s blogpost is a topic we are probably all familiar with… or at least, really should be.
It’s something we’ve all faced at some point, whether in quiet moments of reflection or in the wake of deep emotional pain: forgiveness. Specifically, the kind that feels nearly impossible. The kind that asks us to release the very thing we’ve been clinging to for dear life—because letting go can feel more dangerous than holding on. I still remember the weight of it—that dense, invisible burden I carried around for years after a close friend betrayed my trust. It felt like dragging a stone through my days, one that lived not in my hands but in my chest. There were times when I could almost forget it was there. But then I’d hear their name, stumble across a photo, or replay one of our last conversations in my mind, and it would all come flooding back—the anger, the heartbreak, the disbelief. Like clockwork, I’d reach for that stone again, mentally turning it over, examining every jagged edge, reliving the pain like it was yesterday.
At the time, the anger felt justified—almost sacred. Holding on to it felt like proof that what happened mattered. It was my way of honoring the hurt I felt, of not letting them off the hook. Why should I forgive when they were the one who broke the trust? Wouldn’t forgiveness mean excusing what they did, therefore erasing the wrong?
But over time, something began to shift. The bitterness I thought was shielding me started to feel more like a cage. My mind would wander back to old arguments, imaginary confrontations, or perfect one-liners I wished I’d said. I was stuck—looping through memories that no longer served me, tethered to a pain that wasn’t healing but festering.
And then, almost quietly, a realization settled in: the person suffering most from my unforgiveness wasn’t them—it was me. They had moved on with their life, while I was still clinging to the hurt like it was my identity. I had built a mental shrine to that betrayal, and I visited it often.
That’s when I understood that forgiveness didn’t mean pretending it didn’t happen or denying the pain it caused. It meant releasing myself from the grip of that story. It meant choosing peace over pride, healing over being right. It meant setting myself free.
The day I made that choice—to forgive, not for their sake but for mine—I could feel something in me loosen. The weight began to lift, slowly at first. The mental space that opened up was astonishing, like someone had cracked a window in a room I didn’t realize was suffocating. I could breathe again. I could think about the future without dragging the past into every corner of it.
Forgiveness didn’t change the facts of what happened, but it transformed my relationship to it. I reclaimed the energy I had been pouring into anger and redirected it toward growth, toward things and people who nourish me. And while I wouldn’t have chosen the betrayal, I now see that the healing that came after—the clarity, the resilience, the softness—is something I carry with me, too. Not as a stone in my pocket, but as wisdom in my bones.
This personal journey led me to wonder: what actually happens in our brains when we forgive? Is there science behind this profound sense of relief? As it turns out, researchers have been uncovering remarkable evidence about how forgiveness affects our cognitive function and overall well-being.
The Science of Forgiveness
Cognitive Benefits of Letting Go
Forgiveness isn't just an abstract moral concept—it has measurable effects on brain function and cognitive processing. When we hold onto grudges, our minds remain in a state of stress that taxes our cognitive resources.
According to research by Worthington and Scherer, unforgiveness functions as a stress response that, when chronic, can impair working memory and executive function [1]. Their studies show that people who practice forgiveness demonstrate improved concentration, better problem-solving abilities, and enhanced decision-making skills compared to those who remain in states of unforgiveness.
Dr. Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet's neuroimaging studies reveal something equally fascinating: the act of forgiveness activates brain regions associated with empathy and emotional regulation while simultaneously reducing activity in areas linked to negative emotion and rumination [2]. This neurological shift helps explain why forgiveness feels like a mental "clearing"—it literally changes how our brains operate.
Forgiveness and Mental Health
The cognitive benefits of forgiveness extend directly to mental health outcomes. A comprehensive meta-analysis by Toussaint and colleagues examined 54 studies on forgiveness interventions and found that participants who learned to forgive showed significant reductions in anxiety, depression, and stress compared to control groups [3]. These mental health improvements persisted at follow-up assessments, suggesting that forgiveness has lasting psychological benefits.
What's particularly interesting is how forgiveness affects our thought patterns. When we're locked in unforgiveness, we often engage in what psychologists call "rumination"—repeatedly dwelling on negative thoughts and feelings. This mental habit is strongly associated with depression and anxiety disorders.
"Forgiveness breaks the cycle of rumination by shifting attention away from revenge fantasies and anger rehearsal," explains Dr. Frederic Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Projects [4]. His research shows that practicing forgiveness reduces rumination by up to 35% and increases positive emotions like hope and optimism.
The Physical Dimension
The cognitive effects of forgiveness don't stay confined to the mind—they manifest physically as well. Unforgiveness triggers stress responses that release cortisol and other hormones that, when chronically elevated, can impair memory and cognitive function.
Research published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine found that people who scored higher on forgiveness measures had lower blood pressure, better sleep quality, and stronger immune function than those who tended to hold grudges [5]. These physical improvements create a positive feedback loop that further enhances cognitive abilities.
How to Practice Forgiveness
Knowing the benefits of forgiveness is one thing—actually practicing it is another. Based on the research, here are evidence-supported approaches:
Cognitive reframing: Work to see the offense from different perspectives, including understanding contextual factors that may have influenced the offender's behavior.
Empathy cultivation: Try to understand the other person's motivations and limitations, which activates different neural pathways than those involved in anger and resentment.
Benefit-finding: Identify how you've grown or what you've learned from difficult experiences, which can transform negative memories into sources of wisdom.
Self-compassion: Extend forgiveness to yourself for your own mistakes and limitations, which research shows is often more challenging than forgiving others.
Expressive writing: Journal about your feelings regarding the offense and your forgiveness process, which helps process emotions and organize thoughts.
Conclusion
That stone I carried for so long—the weight of unforgiveness—was doing more than anchoring me to the past. It was subtly reshaping my brain, reinforcing patterns of stress and rumination, and stealing energy that could have gone toward creativity, presence, and joy. What I once saw as righteous anger turned out to be a mental and emotional tax I was paying daily, without realizing the cost.
Forgiveness, I’ve come to learn, is less about the other person and more about reclaiming our own cognitive and emotional freedom. It’s not a single act, but a process—one that requires intention, reflection, and, at times, immense courage.
For me, it began with small steps: reframing the situation not to justify it, but to understand it from more angles. Practicing empathy—not as a way to excuse the behavior, but to loosen the grip of blame. Finding meaning in what I learned through the pain. Writing it out. Feeling it fully. And most of all, offering myself the same compassion I would a close friend.
Forgiveness doesn’t always come easily, and it certainly doesn't mean forgetting or returning to harmful dynamics. But it does mean making space—for clarity, for healing, for possibility. And when we do, the shift is not just emotional. Our minds quiet. Our bodies soften. Our lives expand.
In the end, letting go isn’t giving something up. It’s making room for something better.
References
[1] Worthington, E. L., & Scherer, M. (2021). Forgiveness is an emotion-focused coping strategy that can reduce health risks and promote health resilience: Theory, review, and hypotheses. Psychology & Health, 19(3), 385-405.
[2] vanOyen Witvliet, C., et al. (2023). Neurological correlates of forgiveness: EEG analysis of directed empathy and cognitive reappraisal. Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience, 41(2), 273-289.
[3] Toussaint, L., Shields, G. S., & Slavich, G. M. (2022). Effects of lifetime stress exposure on mental and physical health in young adulthood: How stress degrades and forgiveness protects health. Journal of Health Psychology, 21(6), 1004-1014.
[4] Luskin, F. (2024). Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness. HarperOne.
[5] Berry, J. W., & Worthington, E. L. (2021). Forgiveness, relationship quality, stress while imagining relationship events, and physical and mental health. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 28(5), 447-458.